Loss and Miscarriage(s)

Last January Ryan and I decided to start trying to have a baby.  Since my mom had trouble conceiving I was mentally preparing myself for a long road.  I fully expected it to take me a long time to conceive, and in fact was nervous that I might have trouble conceiving at all.  What I was not prepared for was actually being able to conceive rather easily, but not being able to carry my pregnancy full term.  The thought of having a miscarriage never really entered my mind, let alone having two miscarriages in the course of 6 months.

I stopped taking my birth control in late December.  When I hadn't had my period by mid-January I took a pregnancy test on a whim.  According to lots of I had done, online research it was supposed to take 3-4 months after stopping birth control to conceive  I truly didn't think I was pregnant, but I took the test anyway.  The second blue line showed up almost instantly!  I was stunned.  I told Ryan right away, and we spent that Saturday in a happy bliss.  On Sunday night I called my mom to tell her the news.  She, of course, was ecstatic.  We both talked about we couldn't believe it had happened so quickly.  Monday night I called my older sister to tell her the news because her baby shower was that weekend and I wanted to share with the family when we came into town for it.  Tuesday at work, I knew something was wrong.  By Tuesday night I was bleeding heavily and knew that I had miscarried.  To say I was totally heartbroken would be an understatement.

Why had I taken the pregnancy test at all?  Why hadn't God nudged me to wait a week, then it would have just seemed like I got my period, and I would have never known I was pregnant.  I would have missed out on a lot of pain had I just waited three days.  I was heartbroken and angry.

Then in May, I knew I was pregnant again.  I just knew it.  I physically felt when I was ovulating and just knew that I had become pregnant.  I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, but I just had this feeling that I was pregnant.  I waited a week and took another test, this time it was positive.  I was overjoyed! I told Ryan and then called my mom right away.  We both cried tears of joy together over the phone.  We were just so happy that I had conceived again and in such a short time.   At first I was nervous to be too excited. I had just so recently lost a baby and that pain was still fresh, but as the days went on I let myself get more and more excited. I was so convinced that there was no way that I would have another miscarriage. We had almost two weeks of blissful time thinking about and talking about our baby and it's future, planning and hoping for things to come.

Then again, I started to feel not right at work, and I knew.  I just knew, I was miscarrying again.

I could barely function that night I was so struck with loss and grief.  My heart was broken.  My mom came to spend the day with me the next morning.  I cried and slept most of the day.  Finally in the afternoon I went to see the doctor.  Sitting in the waiting room with other women who were very obviously pregnant was extremely painful.  I felt out of place, like I didn't belong there.  They were there to check on the growth of their babies, they were there for a joyful experience.  I was there, feeling absolute loss, and desperately wanting what they had, but not able to have it.

I always envisioned my first ultrasound as an exciting time.  I time when Ryan and I would be together, excitedly waiting to see our baby's heartbeat for the first time.  To looked at a blurry white blob on the screen and be told "that's your baby right there."  Instead, my first ultrasound was to check to make sure that there was nothing there, that everything had been flushed out of my body. It was devastating.

It has been many months since our last miscarriage and I am still grappling with the loss.  Some days it is fine; my mind is on other things and I can go about my life as it always has been. Other days, I feel like sobbing for no real reason; I feel inexplicably sad.  My mind wanders to the fact that if I had carried my first baby to term I would be 8 months pregnant right now typing about all the things I was excited about in the nursery.  But that is not the case.

It has been so hard to look at Facebook and see all the couples that are having babies due in the coming months.  It feels so unfair.  It is hard not to be jealous of them.  I want what they have, but I cannot have it.  It is hard to see the excited pregnancy announcement posts on social media.  It feels like everyone is pregnant except me.   Where I work almost every women my age is pregnant.  It is everywhere.  I am glad that they are not experiencing the loss I am, but my heart still aches for what they are able to have that I cannot.

I've read lots of blogs posts in the last months from different Christian women who have experienced miscarriages.  I guess I was hoping to glean some sort of wisdom or comfort from them.  And while I did in some cases, I noticed something about each post.  There were so many women sharing about the loss of a miscarriage only after they were currently pregnant again.  Their posts were full of encouraging phrases like 'God is faithful', 'God hears and answers your prayer for a child', 'God will is perfect', 'God's timing is perfect, we just can't understand it'.  All of these are true and beautiful statements but it left me feeling like maybe they only felt that way because they had been able to conceive again.

So, I am writing this post for you.  The woman who, like me, has experienced this great loss of a miscarriage, but has not conceived again. Who is wrestling with the questions that I have been wrestling with and wondering if they are alone in how they are feeling.  Like, what if God's provision isn't in allowing you to get pregnant?  What if God's will is that you will never be pregnant?  Does that mean that God doesn't love you?  Does that mean that God doesn't care about your desires and wants.  Does it mean that he hasn't heard your pleading prayers to carry a child?  

If God is who he says he is then the answer to all those questions has to be a resounding “NO!”  But is is so very very hard to believe that when your heart is so broken with loss. So many people write about how they feel closer to God when they are in a trial such as this, but what if your heart is feeling the exact opposite of that?  I know that is where my heart is now.  To be perfectly honest, I am angry at God.  I feel betrayed, hurt, broken.  I have pulled away from God these last couple months because of these feelings.  It feels embarrassing to admit that I even have those feelings because they aren't the 'good Christian' feelings we are supposed to have, but that is how I feel.  I have been avoiding admitting them for a long while now I think because I was scared to be honest with myself about them.  Now, having stated my feelings I am left with the question of what to do with them.  I have two options really; I can continue to ignore them and stuff then away, or I can deal with them head on.  I am choosing the latter.

It starts with small steps of faith.  For me it means instead of avoiding my quiet time with God, I am choosing to get up early and spend time in his word again.  Each morning that I have gotten up I have felt more and more of God's presence and love. I am learning that God is not angered when we question his faithfulness and character.  There are examples of this all over the Bible, like in Lamentations, Job and Psalms.  God is a big God and he can handle our doubts and fears.  He will love us regardless of our feelings, and he will can heal our hearts so we can deal with the feelings of anger or doubt that we have with him. I am glad that the God I serve is bigger than my emotions.  I am glad that he is a faithful God whose love is unconditional.

Recently, my mom emailed me this passage of scripture.  She didn't really say anything in her email, she just sent the text of these verses, but they touched my heart.

Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

    for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:21-26

'The Lord is my portion' is a phase really stood out to me.  What does that means?  It means that God alone is enough.  He is enough to fill that pit of pain, hurt and anger.  He is our portion, and if that is true then we can wait on him.  Waiting can be so hard and it can be painful, but when seek God we are reminded that he is our portion.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.  Psalm 16:5

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

So if you are in the same place as me, I encourage you to have an honest conversation with God about what you are feeling.  I promise he won't be angered or even surprised.  He is a big God, and he is big enough to handle our hurt and anger.  Fall into him and remember that he is your portion, he is enough.